With my day of rest I seem to have conquered whatever little bug had gotten a hold of me. And in the cold, feverless light of day, neither of the uncomfortable conversations I had seems as dire as they did last night. So.
~~~
My dad was complaining that no one comes to see him -- that he's getting old and won't be around forever and blah blah blah. Totally negating the fact that the reasons HE won't travel are because he can't smoke on airplanes and gets the shakes if he can't drink as much as he's used to. And the fact that we all work and don't have the time/money he does to travel. And that we just don't feel like going out of or way for someone who has never made it worth our time. Visiting him means breathing in the smoke of the 2+ packs he smokes per day...listening to him complain about how our mom ruined his life...and hoping he falls asleep before he gets so drunk that he gets really sloppy and emotional...in short, for all of his kids, it's like revisiting the worst time in our lives. I feel very badly for him -- he has isolated himself almost totally and it must be very hard on him. That said, I am not going to make any huge efforts to throw myself into a situation I left home at 17 to escape. It's just that way.
~~~
And as far as the call from the friend...I think she is concerned that I am moving far away from my family and friends and will not have them close by if things unexpectedly go awry...and that's okay. And frankly, there is such an over-the-top element to how the wonderful someone and I came together that I don't blame people for questioning it. If it were someone else going through this, I'd be all over them about it. But I know that she knows what a hard case I am...and that if something like this has come along its the real deal, all the way. And when it comes right down to it, I have no problem with people caring enough about me to be worried.
~~~
I had a weird, long dream last night-- during the whole thing, I was trying to negotiate my way around a huge university campus - to find classes, my dorm room, all sorts of stuff. I kept getting lost and a few times I found myself in these little warrens of labs (hello, Ms. Fairlywell!). I finally found my way outside and back to where I had parked my car, only to find it missing.
~~~
I had cranked my heat because of the fever and this morning it's positively tropical in my apartment.
~~~
Was this entry confessional enough for you? Well, was it?
~~~