I have yet to make a serious stab at a eulogy for my dad...I have a few notes and some half-formed ideas and I'll probably end up winging it. Like I did with my wedding vows.
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So looking forward to the funeral this weekend, since most of the rest of my family are fighting with each other. They are all phoning me because I'm the "go-to" ear when these things blow up and...I just don't give a shit. I want to tell all of them to knock it off and give themselves and each other a break but I can't even muster that. So I listen and make measured comments and change the subject as quickly as I can.
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I am extremely worried about my mother, who is taking this very hard and who is retreating into terse sentences and/or uncharacteristic outbursts (part of what has fueled the family feuding). Example: I asked her the other day if she'd like to speak at the service and she snapped, "That's not my place!". I calmly told her that she's welcome to speak if she wants to and left it at that. My parents had a lot of lingering, unresolved feelings for each other and I know my mom is hurting terribly. I just hope that at some point she'll hold onto us rather than push us away like this.
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Icing the cake of woe that is me this week: I am operating in full panic mode. I haven't actually had a panic attack but I am WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING. And everyone. Everywhere. I have a tendency to be this way under the best of circumstances but give me some emotional trauma and it reaches ridiculous levels. And by ridiculous I mean things like this: While my charges were sleeping today, I caught myself worrying about what would happen if someone broke into the house. How would I keep the kids safe...what could I use for a weapon... All of which means I am insane and it's really too bad I don't like taking pills because I bet I could get someone to give me some good ones right now. HOORAY!
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The one very good thing that has happened since my dad died is that almost without fail, every waking or sleeping thought I've had of him has been very, very peaceful. That is a blessing that eventually will, I'm sure, override all else.
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thisaway - thataway