...crying on the phone with my sister and with my nephew who has lost his Cubs buddy and with my sister again about what a hardcore fucking ripoff the funeral industry is and again with the nephew who wanted to read me the letter he'll read at Ella's funeral and in between all the calls some awesome Hot Wheels crashes and walks in the sunshine and cute drooling baby love and and then more phone calls and plans for travel and a conversation with my niece who wants to know when Ella will be "done being dead".
The distance between my family and me is a constant, small ache. In the past 24 hours, it's begun to feel completely unmanageable.